| Tonight is the debut of the third installment of
CBS’ hit show "Survivor." Yes, it’s once again time for 16 people to
be "stranded" in some remote location, where they then connive, backstab and
vote each other out. If I recall correctly, this version of the reality game show will
be played out in the wilds of Kenya. Maybe someone will be eaten by a lion.
After the whole phenomenon of "Survivor" really took hold in the United
States, there were reports that a celebrity edition of the show would be taped. Sounded
like a good idea to me. Bette Midler and Michael J. Fox. Don Rickles and Uma Thurman.
Michael Jackson and Marilyn Manson. Just think of the potential.
And that got me thinking. What about an NFL version of "Survivor." I think it
might go a little something like this …
Two tribes — the AFC and NFC — are dropped somewhere in the African bush.
The contestants from the AFC tribe are: Titans OG Bruce Matthews, Browns OLB Jamir
Miller, Ravens MLB Ray Lewis, Chargers QB Doug Flutie, Patriots LB Bryan Cox, Jets WR
Wayne Chrebet, Broncos RB Terrell Davis and Dolphins PK Olindo Mare.
The contestants from the NFC tribe are: Packers QB Brett Favre, Cowboys RB Emmitt
Smith, Redskins CB Fred Smoot, Rams DE Grant Wistrom, Buccaneers DT Warren Sapp, Bears MLB
Brian Urlacher, Saints OT William Roaf and Vikings WR Randy Moss.
In the first competition — the always entertaining "Eat a bug contest"
— the AFC defeats the NFC because Emmitt Smith refuses to eat a stink beetle. That
means that someone from his tribe will be voted off.
At the first tribal council, the NFC votes to cast away Moss. The team feels that the
skinny wide receiver can’t afford to lose any weight. Furthermore, Favre — who
has emerged as a leader of the NFC tribe — is sick and tired of Moss yelling at him,
pleading for the ball to be thrown his way.
In the next competition, the AFC loses because Terrell Davis can’t keep up in the
obstacle course. He blames it on his recent knee surgery. But in "Survivor,"
there’s no room for excuses. That night at the AFC’s first tribal council, the
Denver running back gets the boot. His tribemates feel Davis is damaged goods who may be a
liability in future competitions.
The next few competitions prove to be fairly balanced, with the AFC and NFC winning and
losing an equal number of battles. Which means the same number of players are voted out of
each tribe. The AFC sacked Jamir Miller, Doug Flutie and Ray Lewis. Miller reverted to his
underachieving ways, paving the way for his removal. Flutie kept complaining about how he
was treated in Buffalo, which began to grate on the others. And Lewis just kind of scared
people. The NFC ditched William Roaf, Grant Wistrom and Brian Urlacher. Roaf ate too much,
diminishing the food supply. Wistrom’s beard became a breeding ground for bugs, which
turned off a lot of people. And Urlacher was so athletic that his teammates viewed him as
a threat to win the whole thing.
It is now time for the two tribes to merge, under the new tribal name of
"NFL." The remaining participants are Bruce Matthews, Bryan Cox, Wayne Chrebet,
Olindo Mare, Brett Favre, Emmitt Smith, Fred Smoot and Warren Sapp.
After spending three weeks in relative isolation and deprivation, the players are
getting a bit testy. Cox has flipped off several of his tribemates. Smith has argued with
Smoot, chastising the trash-talking rookie. And everyone is critical of Mare’s
cooking.
In the first tribal council after the merger, the group decides to oust Cox. They are
tired of his outbursts and complain that he isn’t pulling his share of the workload.
Not once did Cox search for firewood.
By now, the original NFC tribe holds a 4-3 advantage over the original members of the
AFC team. It’s just a matter of time until they are able to systematically eliminate
the AFC. First, Mare is voted off. It’s actually pretty surprising that a kicker
lasted this long. Next goes Chrebet, the scrappy survivor whom no one believed in.
Finally, Matthews goes. He is actually relieved to get back to civilization because he has
lost 55 pounds. He realizes it’s going to be awfully hard to block mammoth defensive
tackles at a weight of just 250 pounds.
It’s now down to a final four of Farve, Smith, Smoot and Sapp.
In an immunity challenge (the winner of which can’t be voted off at the next
tribal council), all four men are told to stand on a pole. The last one to fall off or
give up wins. Favre wins the test of endurance and patience, which means that one of the
other three will be voted off. That night, the brash rookie who has alienated his
tribemates with his trash-talking is sent packing.
After a day of lounging around base camp and scrounging for whatever rice they can
find, the final three are summoned for another vote. Favre and Sapp, who long ago forged
an alliance, oust Smith. Confused due to hunger, Smith begins complaining about his
team’s QB situation, altogether forgetting that he is in Africa, not Dallas.
Now, it’s time for the final vote. The previously voted-off contestants return to
render a decision on who will win the game. It’s a close vote, as Sapp has endeared
himself to many of the defensive players, while Favre had won over many offensive players.
But ultimately, it is Favre who prevails.
The tribe has spoken. Favre — the ultimate survivor in the NFL — wins the
first-ever NFL edition of "Survivor." |
