| An editor at our sister publication,
BasketballNews.com, was conducting a mock NCAA tournament yesterday. But it wasn’t
your typical bracket-filling conundrum. Instead of basketball teams, he predicted who
would win if the mascots had it out. In the end, it was decided the Golden Hurricane of
Tulsa were too much for the Demon Deacons, Blue Devils, Flames or any other form of cat
(Wildcat, Bearcat, Tiger), nut (Buckeye), sword-bearing warrior (Trojan) or upset
nationality (Fighting Irish). So being that I am already growing tired of lingering
free-agency speculation and the fact the draft is still a month off, I figured with March
Madness upon us and brackets in our brain, it might be fun to set up a similar tournament
of mascots in our beloved NFL. This is not based on which mascots are cooler or scarier,
mind you. Winners are determined by which mascot would survive if they were to face off
against one another in as realistic a battle as we could imagine.
In order to establish fairness and to assure ourselves of a Super Bowl, the brackets
were set up by division and by alphabetical order within the division.
I can tell you’re sliding off the edge of your seat in anticipation, so here goes
…
Round One
NFC
Giants over Cowboys — No six-shooters are even allowed to be fired in this one.
Redskins over Eagles — Beaks and claws are no match for hatchets and arrows.
Lions over Bears — This was a close one, but in a judge’s decision, the king
of the jungle was given the nod.
Vikings over Packers — I’m thinking the assembly line meat-packing industry
loses big here.
Panthers over Falcons — The Falcon is one serious bird of prey, but if the Panther
knocks it out of the sky, say goodnight.
Buccaneers over Saints — The pirates make "persons officially recognized as
being entitled to public veneration and capable of interceding for people on earth"
walk the plank.
49ers over Cardinals — The 49er uses his pan for sifting through rocks on the poor
little songbird.
Rams over Seahawks — The Seahawk gets in a few good shots, but eventually the Ram
gets his horns on the tired bird, and it’s all over.
AFC
Bills over Dolphins — An interesting battle that depends heavily on home-field
advantage. In the end, we go with the buffaloes because of the horn factor, the tough skin
and the fact Dolphins are too peaceful for this tourney.
Jets over Patriots — By the time they can reload their muskets, the Patriots are
finding out what landing gear tastes like.
Bengals over Ravens — Much like that Panthers-Falcons matchup, one paw to the
feathers is all it takes.
Browns over Steelers — Legendary coach Paul Brown and his tough guys from the
’40s finish off a resilient group of steelworkers in overtime.
Texans over Colts — This isn’t a rodeo. Two words: guns and steaks.
Titans over Jaguars — The Titans, also known as the elder gods, ruled the Earth
before the Olympians overthrew them. Enough said. Vegas has seen plenty and lists the
Titans as the early favorite to win it all.
Chiefs over Broncos — Just stay away from the wildly bucking hoofs, and the Chiefs
coast.
Chargers over Raiders — Sure the eye patch and sword are kind of intimidating, but
not to a bolt of lightning.
Round Two
NFC
Giants over Redskins — Ever read the book "The Indian in the Cupboard"?
Vikings over Lions — Shields, armors and a lethal combination of swords and spears
keep the lion at bay — and in trouble. Viking gets a new fur coat to wear into the
next round.
Bucs over Panthers — Despite having his field of vision affected by the eye patch,
the Buccaneer’s banana-shaped pistol proves to be the difference.
49ers over Rams — In possibly the closest competition yet, the rugged 49er makes
the most of his chiseling tools to hold on after catching the horns early on.
AFC
Jets over Bills — End result: Barbecue that tastes like jet fuel.
Bengals over Browns — A lack of a face mask from the old days doesn’t help
the Browns’ cause in a major rout.
Titans over Texans — The Titans were narrowly defeated by Zeus, according to Greek
mythology. You think the Texans have a chance?
Chargers over Chiefs — Rain dance unfortunately can lead to lightning strikes.
Round Three
NFC
Giants over Vikings — Vikings deserve Final Four berth, but not in this bracket.
Buccaneers over 49ers — 49ers’ dramatic run comes to a grinding halt. They
get their gold stolen too.
AFC
Jets over Bengals — Third consecutive rout for Jets, leaving Patriots, Bills and
Bengals lying at the end of the runway.
Titans over Chargers — Don’t Greek gods throw lightning bolts?
Round Four
NFC
Giants over Bucs — The big fella has a collection of pirate ships on his mantle.
AFC
Titans over Jets — Oddsmakers are smiling in Sin City. Jets held in holding
pattern by the heavily favored Titans.
Championship
Titans over Giants — A matchup for the ages doesn’t live up to its billing.
During their rule of Earth, the Titans were associated with the various planets. That fact
alone is enough to beat the big-sandaled one. |
