| In case you missed it, the epic movie
"Pearl Harbor" brought in $75 million over the Memorial Day weekend, officially
kicking off the summer movie season. For the next three months, Hollywood will be
rolling out pictures that range from big-budget historical pieces to hit sequels to
independent films with miniscule budgets. Unfortunately for football fans like myself, it
doesn’t look as though there will be any films about our favorite sport in the near
future. But we can dream, can’t we?
I looked at a list of actual movie titles that will be appearing in theaters in the
coming weeks, and I’ve come up with a football theme for some of them. (I hope this
will hold you until preseason camps get under way in July.)
"What’s the Worst That Could Happen?" — This
tragicomedy traces the precipitous fall of the Cincinnati Bengals from a narrow Super Bowl
loss to the 49ers in 1989 to their current state as one of the worst teams in football. It
stars Mike Brown, Bruce Coslet, Ki-Jana Carter and Akili Smith. Written and directed by
Mike Brown.
"America’s Sweethearts" — This is a love story
about an overrated, overexposed football player (Giants CB Jason Sehorn) and his
long-distance romance with an attractive TV actress (Angie Harmon). It features highs (a
nationally televised marriage proposal on "The Tonight Show") and lows (Sehorn
getting burned by the Ravens’ Brandon Stokley in a one-sided Super Bowl defeat).
"American Outlaws" — This documentary about Al Davis
and his Raiders follows the once-brilliant Davis from his pioneer days in the AFL to the
Raiders’ Super Bowl years in the 1970s and ‘80s to his erratic, litigious
behavior in recent years. Includes interviews and memories of colorful characters like
John Madden, Ben Davidson, Ken Stabler, Jack Tatum, John Matuszak, Ted Hendricks, Lester
Hayes and Otis Sistrunk.
"The Man Who Cried" — A drama about a coach (Dick
Vermeil) who comes out of retirement and turns the sorry St. Louis Rams into a Super Bowl
champion before retiring in a moving farewell ceremony. A surprise ending sees Vermeil
return to coaching two years later.
"Knockaround Guys" — This action-adventure takes the
viewer behind the scenes as three NFL quarterbacks (Drew Bledsoe, Chris Chandler and Rob
Johnson) get battered and beaten to a pulp each Sunday behind porous offensive lines. The
movie is chronological, so the viewer gets to guess which QB will get sent to the hospital
first.
"All That Glitters" — Another action-adventure flick
that follows a high-priced, star-studded team (the Denver Broncos) and its pursuit of a
Super Bowl title despite numerous personality clashes, bruised egos and playing-time
issues. It stars Mike Shanahan, Steve Beuerlein, Leon Lett, Eddie Kennison, Patrick Hape,
Chester McGlockton, Henri Crockett, Lee Woodall, Denard Walker, Tyrone Poole, Keith
Washington and a cast of thousands.
"Rat Race" — This thriller follows four competitive
rivals (Chicago, Detroit, Green Bay and Minnesota) as they battle for the NFC North
Division title and playoff berths. It stars Dick Jauron, Marty Mornhinweg, Mike Sherman
and Dennis Green.
"Rush Hour 2" — This is a sequel to the highly
successful film that chronicled the life and times of an NFL special-teams gunner. This
film is rated R for violence and brutality and is not recommended for younger viewers.
"The Mummy Returns" — This drama traces the comeback
attempts of injured NFL stars like Duce Staley, Terrell Davis, Wesley Walls, Jimmy Smith,
Joey Galloway and Rob Moore as they attempt to go from the medical ward to the playing
field.
"A Knights Tale" —This is a biopic on New Orleans
Saints SS Sammy Knight. … I don’t know about you, but it sounds to me like this
one is headed straight to video.
"The Deep End" — A drama that follows an NFL owner (the
Vikings’ Red McCombs) as he pursues a new stadium deal with an unreceptive state
government, deals with a team in decline and attempts to negotiate a contract extension
with a superstar (WR Randy Moss) who hopes to break the bank.
"The New Guy" — Shot in Atlanta, this action-adventure
follows a top draft choice (QB Michael Vick) and his rocky first season as the savior of
the Falcons’ franchise. It stars Vick, Dan Reeves and Chris Chandler.
"Tomb Raider" — This is a drama that sees Seattle coach
Mike Holmgren gamble on his team’s future by signing high-priced, aging veterans DT
John Randle, MLB Levon Kirkland and S Marcus Robertson in the hopes that they spark a
turnaround for the disappointing Seahawks. This film was financed by billionaire Paul
Allen.
"The Fast and the Furious" — An offense (the St. Louis
Rams) hits on all cylinders as it scores in a variety of ways and proves impossible for
opponents to stop. Starring Kurt Warner, Marshall Faulk, Isaac Bruce, Torry Holt and
Az-Zahir Hakim. Written and directed by Mike Martz.
"Serendipity" — A player (Aaron Brooks) comes out of
nowhere to replace an injured teammate (Jeff Blake) at the key QB position. He goes on to
become a star and leads his team to its first playoff victory in years. This feel-good
drama was shot in New Orleans and co-stars Saints coach Jim Haslett and general manager
Randy Mueller.
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