| Pardon me if I’m not a happy man right now.
I just discovered that Elsa Benitez, the bikini-clad beauty gracing the cover of Sports
Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue, is married. To former NBA center Rony Seikaly. Then
Rony has the gall to say that being married to a supermodel is a "high-maintenance
kind of job." Disregarding such a ridiculous statement, it’s clear Rony
isn’t an NFL coach or front-office wizard. Forget training camp or a December playoff
push, the pressure felt by NFLers over these next two months represents a high-maintenance
kind of job in every sense of the phrase. Married to a supermodel? Please.
What the men who run their NFL teams do in the next two months ultimately could
determine their team’s level of success in years to come, as well as their job
security in the toughest of occupations. Sign a Brad Johnson, release a Ted Washington,
draft a LaDainian Tomlinson — it’s becoming tougher and tougher to make
decisions like these. Salary-cap constraints, character issues, veteran minimums, roster
bonuses. Where will it all end?
I’ve got a pretty good place it all can start for the people higher up in the
organization. Want to know if a player has what it takes to join your team either through
free agency or the draft, both mentally and emotionally? Forget the famous Wunderlic IQ
test given to about every athlete with a pulse at the NFL Combine. I’ve got a new
test that will help personnel gurus decide if a player is right for their team and to help
take part of the "high-maintenance" part out of the equation to some extent.
This is the perfect character-teasing test for the new-age NFL.
Here’s a No. 2 pencil, sir. You’ll have as long as you need, and remember,
your future in professional football depends on it. Good luck.
1. Snarl for us. (If he can’t do it, he’s not a football player. A
Deacon Jones or Bruce Smith-style stare will do fine. Showing teeth is not mandatory.
Kickers and punters should just move ahead to the second question to avoid further
embarrassment.)
2. Would you know how to hide evidence and lie to police if it meant you could
become an MVP? (The morals of the organization and fans determine what the correct answer
is here.)
3. Do you promise not to be arrested for any of the following within the next
two years: domestic abuse, driving under the influence, weapons possession, aggravated
battery, murder, intent to distribute (insert favorite drug here) or writing bad checks?
(If they immediately answer with a resounding no, they move on. If they hesitate at all in
looking at the list or add in something like "What if it’s not my gun?"
keep the herd moving and usher in the next lucky contestant.
4. If you throw 24 interceptions, take plays off if a pass isn’t coming
your way or admittedly don’t like to block "those big mean men," and for
some reason we can’t afford to pay you a $10 million signing bonus when you ask for
it, do you promise not to hold out at the start of training camp?
5. If you put a big hit on a running back, but it’s after he rolled up a
20-yard gain through the teeth of your defense, do you…
A. Play to the crowd and bang your chest like a gorilla?
B. Get up in the running back’s face, give the not-in-my-house sign and do a
little chicken dance, all the while managing to hope that pain in your shoulder goes away?
C. Go back to the huddle and encourage your teammates to do a better job at the point
of attack?
6. If things aren’t going well early in your career, do you promise never
to bench yourself (ala Kerry Collins), scream at reporters or challenge heckling fans
(Ryan Leaf), skip charity functions (Cade McNown), go AWOL (Antonio Freeman, Dimitrius
Underwood) or hang out with a questionable entourage (Ray Lewis, etc.)?
7. Do you agree to go all out on every play, and if you don’t, will you at
least fake it so that it’s not as obvious to teammates as it is to the commentators
and relatively sober fans in the stadium?
8. About how many classes would you say you went to in college?
A. Nun, dat learning stuff 4 sissys.
B. As many as the coaches said I had to.
C. We had to go to class?
D. All of them. That’s where the girls were.
9. Do you promise not to believe everything you read or hear in the media, good
or bad, and to not listen to absolutely everything your spineless agent tells you?
10. And do you promise to try to be a generally good person, especially when TV
cameras are in the vicinity?
Summary: If your potential draftee/free agent got all 10 right, he’s a gem. If he
got 7-9 correct, he’s good to go. Five or six right depends on how well he can rush
the passer or move the chains with a tough catch in traffic. Just don’t have him out
in public too often. If he got less than four, recommend he find a new home, preferably
one with a lot of white walls or big metal bars. |
