| What’s this? Another Web column on the
heart-pounding "Monday Night Football" mystery? Sorry, folks. But the MNF
machinations are just too monumental, too captivating to ignore.
At least that’s what Don Ohlmeyer — the guy who has been entrusted with
making pro football on Monday nights a prime-time hit as it was back in the days of Howard
Cosell & Co. — and ABC Sports president Howard Katz would like you to believe.
Talk about keeping a lid on things! The veil of secrecy these two guys have
orchestrated has proved to be quite a formidable obstacle for jokers like me who have
nothing better to do than make educated guesses on who will end up in the booth battling
"Everybody Loves Raymond" and "Becker" for ratings points.
Especially regarding whomever they pick to fill the all-important Cosell role (i.e.,
"the third man").
Who could it possibly be? Rush Limbaugh? Jesse Ventura? Mike Lupica? Jim Rome (ugh!)? A
partridge in a pear tree?
Like most of the pro football snoops out there, I admit I don’t have a clue.
But I do have a premise worth considering. Why not bring in a different person each
week to team up with Al Michaels and the main football analyst, who figures to be either
Steve Young or someone from ESPN in the Sterling Sharpe/Tom Jackson/Ron Jaworski mold?
It would be similar to the Cubs bringing in a different personality for every home game
to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the seventh-inning stretch. As is
the case with the Cubs’ crooners, you’ll get your share of winning and losing
performances.
Imagine the following lineup:
WEEK ONE — Denver at St. Louis. Guest commentator: Tom Cruise.
Comment: Considering that many TV types feel ABC is facing an impossible mission, why
not go with a little Cruise control? I can already see his performance in the booth
inspiring his next big hit movie — "Eyes Closed Shut."
WEEK TWO — New England at N.Y. Jets. Guest commentator: Russ Tamblyn.
Comment: You know. He’s the guy who played Riff in "West Side Story."
Imagine him singing "When You’re a Jet" whenever the game bogged down a
bit. There could be one problem here, though. I think Russ might be dead. In which case
they could turn to Norman Schwartzkopf, the penultimate patriot.
WEEK THREE — Dallas at Washington. Guest commentators: Jerry Jones and
Daniel Snyder.
Comment: Watching these two clowns trying to out-ego one another could be worthy of an
Emmy.
WEEK FOUR — Jacksonville at Indianapolis. Guest commentator: Bobby Knight.
Comment: Steve Young will ask Knight who his daddy is, and Knight will turn redder than
his sweater and just implode on our TV screens. Hey, I think we might be on to something.
WEEK FIVE — Seattle at Kansas City. Guest commentator: John Malkovich.
Comment: Actually, it would be Cosell inside Malkovich’s subconscious with
Ohlmeyer and Katz pulling the strings. Don’t try to find some connection to the
Kansas City area in this comment, because there isn’t one. I’m just being Dan
Arkush.
WEEK SIX — Tampa Bay at Minnesota. Guest commentator: Bud Grant.
Comment: "Old Stoneface" probably won’t say much, but this is a game
that should speak for itself.
WEEK SEVEN — Jacksonville at Tennessee. Guest commentator: Dolly Parton.
Comment: After enduring six straight weeks of big boobs, why not Dolly? Hank Williams
could drop by the booth to add to the country flavor. Hot damn!
WEEK EIGHT — Detroit at Tampa Bay. Guest commentator: Tony Dungy.
Comment: Since the Lions are going to stink, the Bucs won’t need Dungy on the
sideline anyway.
WEEK NINE — Tennessee at Washington. Guest commentator: Martin Sheen.
Comment: Hah! I bet you thought I’d go with Bill Clinton here. But I think Marty
makes for a much more convincing president. And a whole nation’s "West
Wing" withdrawal pains will be temporarily cast aside.
WEEK 10 — Minnesota at Green Bay. Guest commentator: Ron Pollack.
Comment: PFW’s esteemed editor has already made plans to cover this game live
anyway. Taking into account the fact his record against the spread picking games last
season was like 50 games over .500, he would definitely add a very authoritative flavor to
the broadcast. (Now, can I have those extra comp days, Ron?)
WEEK 11 — Oakland at Denver. Guest commentator: Al Davis.
Comment: Forget the game on the field. Davis will accuse Pat Bowlen and the Broncos of
salary-cap hanky-panky on the air, and all hell will break loose in Mile High country. Eat
your heart out, "X Files."
WEEK 12 — Washington at St. Louis. Guest commentator: Kurt Warner’s wife.
Comment: She’ll be OK as long as she doesn’t wear the same outfit she wore at
last year’s Super Bowl, when she looked like a royal blue peacock on steroids.
WEEK 13 — Green Bay at Carolina. Guest commentator: PFW publisher Hub Arkush.
Comment: He ain’t heavy, but he’s my brother.
WEEK 14 — Kansas City at New England. Guest commentator: Regis Philbin.
Comment: With ratings starting to drag, it’s inevitable that Regis get thrown into
the mix at some point. The game will be followed by a "Who Wants to be a
Millionaire" all-night marathon.
WEEK 15 — Buffalo at Indianapolis. Guest commentator: Gene Hackman.
Comment: Attempting to avoid at all costs the Knight fiasco in Week Four, ABC execs opt
for Hackman, a celluloid "Hoosier" who couldn’t care less about being such
an underdog to Ray Romano.
WEEK 16 — St. Louis at Tampa Bay. Guest commentator: my mother-in-law.
Comment: She lives in Tampa, and it would sure be good to hear from her. The ratings
will probably suck, but my wife will be absolutely thrilled!
WEEK 17 — Dallas at Tennessee. Guest commentators: the "Whassup" guys in
the Bud Light commercial in the first half, followed by the dancing darlings in those
"Gap" commercials in the second half. A return cameo appearance by Parton
couldn’t hurt.
Comment: Now that’s entertainment! |
