| It’s Monty Hall time: Let’s make a deal. I play in a 16-team yardage
league that forbids player pickups. Our commissioner has made pickups verboten for
three reasons: (1) He believes it would be unfair for any league member to obtain a
supersleeper who flew beneath everyone’s radar on Draft Day; (2) he wants to
encourage trading; and (3) he is a lazy slug who has no desire to deal with player claims.
Our slovenly commissioner, by the way, is yours truly.
Each team has a 20-man roster, and the abnormally large rosters take some of the sting
out of the no-pickup rule. (Draft Day is a grueling, beer-soaked marathon in which 320
players are drafted.) But even with the large rosters, quality depth is as rare as a
Sasquatch sighting.
My team has been floundering lately, and I need to swing a trade. I am weak at tight
end, and, for the most part, my bench is thinner than the broth at a Depression-era soup
line.
My assets: quality starters at running back (Napoleon Kaufman and Robert Edwards) and
receiver (Antonio Freeman and Isaac Bruce) and sheer volume at QB (Rob Johnson, Tony
Banks, Eric Zeier and Vinny Testaverde).
Trading a quality starter for depth isn’t an option, because I can’t afford
to lose any punch in the starting lineup. Dealing a quarterback is a much more viable
solution, since some of my rivals are in dire QB straits. None of my quarterbacks is a
real ace, but at least six of my rivals are looking for a warm body at quarterback.
The thing is, trying to make a trade can be exhausting. If only it were like haggling
with the street merchants in Tijuana, Mexico, who start by naming their price and
inevitably make the sale by agreeing to your price. But the owners in my league usually
try to shake every last peso out of you before striking a deal, and I tend to be tight
with my pesos.
When it comes to wheeling and dealing, my rivals often fall into one of several
stereotypes. These stereotypes can usually be found in any fantasy league, and I’ll
bet, dear reader, that you fall into one of these categories yourself.
Let’s meet the liars, thieves, roustabouts and fools who man the local trading
post:
The shakedown artist
Think of him as the fantasy-football equivalent of a used-car dealer. He deals in
high-mileage lemons, and his sticker prices far exceed actual value.
He will offer you a placekicker for Jerome Bettis, then ridicule you for declining.
He’ll resort to the transparent bargaining tactic of bad-mouthing your players, which
inevitably leads you to wonder why he’s interested in those players in the first
place. He shamelessly promotes the flotsam on his roster and will tout Ram WR Ricky Proehl
as the second coming of Steve Largent.
Dealing with the shakedown artist is an exercise in futility.
The high-volume broker
He has memorized your phone number, and he calls more often than your mother-in-law. He
is a frenzied trader who views players as commodities and rarely keeps someone on his
roster for more than a week or two. He is in dire need of a life.
Still, he is a fool you suffer gladly. The high-volume broker works hard to make
trades, and he’ll usually come up with decent offers.
The slow draw
He considers trade proposals, he considers them some more, then he politely declines. I
probably fit into this category, as more than one of my rivals has referred to me as
Stand-Pat Fitzmaurice.
This man is fretful and suspicious by nature, which makes him wary of any offer. He
promises to get back to you about a trade and waits three weeks before calling back to
decline.
This man is too enamored of his own players. He’s certain that Steeler WR Will
Blackwell is the next Jerry Rice. In fact, the odds of him trading Blackwell for Rice
straight-up are about 50-50.
Unless you’re willing to harass this man constantly, it’s unlikely he’ll
ever trade with you.
The grandiose thinker
The initial offer is Falcon WR Tony Martin for Saint RB Lamar Smith. The next thing you
know, he’s offering you Smith, Brett Favre, Michael Irvin, Fred Lane and a crate of
Maine lobsters for Martin, Drew Bledsoe, Marshall Faulk, Jamal Anderson and four head of
cattle.
He is a willing and friendly negotiator but insists on adding layers to every deal.
Your head is swimming by the time you have analyzed his offers, and he makes you yearn for
a simpler autumn hobby, like leaf collecting.
Speaking of which, he really likes Ryan Leaf’s upside. Throw in Leaf, and
he’ll give you Peyton Manning.
Aspirin, please.
Mr. Gullible
If only you could encounter this man in the business world. He is a nice fellow who is
eager to please, but he also has the I.Q. of a cactus.
He is a willing victim, the sort of guy who offers to write down his ATM code for a
mugger. He doesn’t haggle, and he accepts nearly every offer you make.
The only trouble with this guy is that your rivals have access to him, too. Get to him
before they do.
The square dealer
He makes fair offers and is always willing to consider reasonable proposals. He returns
calls promptly and is a true pleasure to deal with. You would let this guy date your
sister.
But you might as well refer to the square dealer as Santa Claus.
He simply doesn’t exist. |
